Friday, March 31, 2006

It's all in the bag

4 days since my birthday passed, nothing spectacular happened as usual. Maybe it did, in another way. No crazy clubbing, no cool parties, no countless presents. Welcome to my life.

I came to terms with the fact that I'm not exactly the main source of joy in your life, though subconsciously I always knew that. It pains me more to know that that source comes from a mother-fucker I scorn so much. Don't try to comfort me, because you know that's only deceiving yourself. Denial ain't the only river in Egpyt.

All my bloody girlfriends just had to be somebody. Model, Singer, Dancer. Seriously what the fuck is going on?!?!?!?! I'm just a NORMAL guy, not like all of you extraordinary people. SO PLEASE, FUCKING GIVE ME A BREAK. All that hurt, all that pain, all that tears. What for? Just so that you people can continue doing what you guys love doing most, without any constructive consideration for the boring ol' Ivan. I've gave up so many, and never looked back a single bit. Sometimes, you don't even know what I've lost along the way, but I don't see them like losing posessions, but rather, as sacrifices I never looked back. SO WHAT if you sacrifice something or claim to do so? What's the point of doing so when you're going to return to square one. What's the point of it when at the end of the day, you're just gonna make me feel like it's all in the bag, that I simply cannot help it but accept things.

I try hard to embrace my life, indulge in all the sadness (mainly), joy (limited), neutrality, in hope of coming out stronger. I've trascended this once, but yet it still hurts so fucking damn much. I just feel like taking a knife and stabbing my chest till I bleed, and die. And really, being conscious is just one of the most terrible thing to happen to Mankind. I have to put on a facade, and force my chief concerns into the back of my fucking head, just so I can lead my life normally. Screw this status quo, I feel so terrible now I wished I could intoxicate and drown myself, and feeling even more terrible than I already am. Then I'll puke the shit out of everything in me, and feel great, fantastic.

FUCKING BULLSHIT.

posted@5:18 AM

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